AND IS THE GHOST IN THE TEXT CHAIN WITH US NOW?…

Do you like scary stories?

Thought you might.

Hmmmm let’s see...have you heard the one about Halloween being less than a week away and still not knowing what to dress as—should you do spooky vs. funny? Would this reference be too niche for anyone to get?? Will literally everyone at the party be going as sexy Nathan Fielder?!

Or what about the one where the most lovable star on your favourite murder mystery reality show accidentally reveals his true identity on the very. First. Episode. And now the show’s entirely dull without him, and there’s nothing good on TV anymore, and you’ve already watched Twilight 17 times—why would you do this to us Richard!

And then of course...there’s the ultimate horror. Set just as the wind turns brisk, on the cusp of cuffing season, where the person our hero felt a real kinship forming with suddenly disappears into the foggy haze, worse than Forks, Washington in ”Breaking Dawn: Part 2”!

It’s Ghost season motherfuckers.

“Ghost”, “Ghoster”, to be “Ghosted”; the first term in our now vast cosmos of modern dating lingo that I ever learned, when first entering the scene oh so many years ago. Before “Bread Crumbing” and “Love Bombing”, there was just boys who didn’t text back—but of course “Ghosting” as a concept has existed for millennia...

”Oh where hath my love’s response to my letter be? I hath communicated my affections over a fortnight ago!”

“Worry not young Fråulein, you know his heart doth belongeth to you! He must surely have died at battle in your honour, it’s the only explanation!”

“Right you are Nanny! And hither I was surmising that he may be enjoying the blissful pleasures of another maiden’s bosom—so silly of me!”

Urban Dictionary describes “Ghosting” as “The shutdown/ceasing of communication with someone without notice.” As society’s dating culture has shifted more online in recent years, ghosting has become an increasingly favoured method of rejection, and it’s easy to tell why. It can feel far less burdensome to say nothing at all, then craft the perfect breakup speech and deliver it face to face—especially if you’re doing this for multiple people you’ve swiped on that week alone. In some cases I might even agree that ghosting might be an appropriate choice, as not every fire emoji sent your way needs to resolve with “So listen, I’ve had a great time talking...” Some interactions naturally end with a faded silence—and some really shouldn’t.

I’m talking about the real deal kind of ghosting, when you’ve formed a relationship with a person, discussed plans for the future, have a regular back and forth—when suddenly the line goes dead. The kind of ghosting that provokes the replaying of every past interaction in your head; the rereading of old texts; scanning tagged photos, looking for clues about where your long lost love may be, why they left, and if there’s any chance they might ever come back! Suddenly you’re praying every buzz of your phone might be them, repeatedly disappointed by another group chat notification, or your phone insensitively warning you to turn the volume of your heartbreak playlist down. Now your entire “For You” page is filled with gym bros in backwards hats listing “The 8 sexiest behaviours guaranteed to make a man addicted to you”, and ladies with tarot cards confirming you were doomed from the start—but you can get him back if you book a private reading now for only $49.99! Link in bio.

Justin Long delivering straight facts in 2009 Documentary “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

Ghosting hurts so bad because it often disrupts imaginings we’d already procured for our future together. Places you’d spoken about going, movies you’d planned on watching, hoping that your next hang would be the time he finally makes you cum—guess we’ll never know what that’s like! We tell ourselves they’re so hard to read, these hot and cold behaviours don’t line up, but convince ourselves the mysteriousness is kind of enthralling, French. Maybe the truth is that the better we get to know someone, the story we created of who we wanted them to be in our heads just becomes harder to maintain. I read once that a crush is just a “lack of information”, and how blissful that idiocy can be. In reality Ghosts aren’t representative of the death of a relationship that could’ve been, more so spirits of envisionings that never were.

I’ve been ghosted twice—shocking I know, nobody’s safe. Both past times felt like something real could’ve been forming; because they said it was, and I believed it too, before having the rug pulled out from under me. Both times they came back (because they always do), with extravagant offers, promises, and a deluge of compliments in hand. Both instances also ended in healthy, long-term, loving relationships. Lol just kidding; they were both emotionally immature boys, who wanted to have their cake and eat it too, who would again run away with tails between their legs.

I used to never be able to imagine how someone could act in such a way, treat another person—somebody they’ve spent real time with—with such disregard. Now I can think of three main reasons:

1. They truly just don’t care/respect you enough to take responsibility for their shifting feelings. It’s harsh, but it’s true, and you probably know it too.

2. They might not think you care about them. It’s possible that your individual perspectives of what’s going on may be unaligned, and they might genuinely believe that you won’t notice if they slip into the background without explanation.

3. Keeping you on the back burner. It’s not that they don’t like you, they just might like somebody else more, have other priorities—but stick around in case the situation changes in future! If they were honest about their waining affections, or alternative interests, that might risk giving you permission to move on; so instead they stay silent, so that one day in the future, when and if they’re ready, you might pick up where you left off.

It’s not a crime to lose interest in somebody, find someone you click with more, decide to focus your energy elsewhere in your life for the moment. I do believe however that it’s common courtesy to touch base with the people you’ve been involved with, and fill them in on where you’re at. I know there’s been times when I would’ve settled for a murder style magazine letter cutout note over nothing! A simple “Hey I’ve been having a lot of fun getting to know you, but I just don’t see this going much farther and don’t want to waste your time” is all it takes...And then maybe attach the Instagram of the hotter girl you decided to keep fucking instead, so they can obsessively stalk them and feed into a spiral of self-hate—it’s the least you can do!

I think I’ve finally realized that the reason ghosting hurts so much is because once the initial frustration fades towards the person you already knew on some level never really cared about you, the person you’re actually most angry with is often yourself. With such little information to go on about why somebody left, we naturally fill in the holes with more made up stories that support our own existing insecurities. How did I let this happen, I should have done this, and not done that—if this geezer didn’t want to stick around, nobody ever will! The scariest bit of all, is that separate from playboys, pricks, and prats, you’re not even choosing yourself! I’ve put up with so much bullshit from men, and welcomed it; coming back like a victorian street orphan asking for more with bowl in hand!

Sisterly advice from personal favourite, and beloved heartbreak thriller, “500 Days Of Summer”. I know a lot of people look back on this film saying that Summer did nothing wrong, as she stated exactly how she felt from the start, and to be fair I haven’t revisited this one in a long time…but I’m such a Tom. Plus Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a cutie. And general rule of thumb: don’t take anyone to IKEA unless you’re prepared to have a baby with them!

For anyone out there currently awaiting that next message, questioning what they might have done to scare this person away, ask yourself this instead: How has your experience as a whole with this person actually made you feel? While there may have been sweet moments, can you realistically settle for just being an option? It’s slim pickings (trust me I know), so many of us in this scarcity mindset are probably saying fuck it: Yes I can, let’s set up our next rendez-vous at your convenience—I thank you for your consideration. But there will be others (will thereeeee?), and though they don’t all end well (true dat), you need to stop playing with ouija boards and apparitions to make room for people who actually exist in your life.

To all the “Ghosts” out there this spooky season: firstly if you’re reading this and think this one’s about you—there’s actually lots of men who are begging to silently reject me for your information, so chill out! And most importantly: Just put on your big girl pants and tell that person you’re over it, so that everyone can properly grieve what might have been, and go on to find someone who would actually love the opportunity to take their big girl pants off.

So my little trick-or-treaters, this is how the world ends; not with a bang, but with a read receipt.