Alone On Valentine’s…Again!
Chloe (Age 6), Single.
Ahh Valentine’s day…it’s the season for celebrating love, romance, and reminding you about how pathetic and alone you are if you don’t have it.
As dreadful as scrolling through the deluge of tickled pairings on social media on the 14th can be, I’ll admit that at my core I’m still a romantic. I grew up with parents who were high school sweethearts, my favourite genre of film is the sacred RomCom, and I’ve known what my wedding dress was going to look like since I was seven. As someone who’s head over heels for the idea of love, I’ve also spent the majority of my life single. Indeed while all of my coupled up friends will likely be spending their VDay dining on surf and turf at the Keg Mansion, I’ll be at home having a nice wank while watching “The Notebook”, and doing god’s work in rebranding what an incel can look like. While both plans of celebration are equally epic (I remain the only person to have made myself cum 10 times in a row for the record), when you’ve spent your life anticipating the arrival of your ultimate-hallmark-fairytale-beefcake to no avail, this consumerist backed holiday can still be a bummer—and as the lover of love that I am I refuse to be bummed!
Several months ago I was reached out to by an old friend I hadn’t heard from in years, to find out that he’d just gone through an intense breakup. Suddenly his out of the blue reconnection made sense, as he wasn’t the first friend I’d lost to the blackhole commonly referred to as “committed long-term relationship”. Selfishly I was glad to have him back. I shared my struggle of being the only single person in my social circles, and how I was admittedly beginning to feel insecure about it. Was it because I wasn’t pretty enough? Desirable enough? What specifics exactly were keeping me alone and unattached? His response shocked me.
“Well...you don’t want a boyfriend.”
Ummmmmm WHAT?! Says who?? Was somebody spreading deceitful claims responsible for scaring my Prince Charming away? I was a die hard romantic, with the sex drive of an un-neutered Pomeranian, of course I wanted a boyfriend!
The truth was I’ve had similar sentiments echoed back to me by other friends since. Friends who have listened to me whine on about how all the good ones are taken, and how I’ll be an old maid forever. Friends who tell me that if I really wanted a partner so bad I could just go out and get one! Maybe it wasn’t so much that I wanted a guy in my life, but that I wanted the right guy, and was willing to wait for him. For anyone that’s ever been out to lunch with me, you know it takes me 20 minutes of menu scanning to decide on the type of sandwich I want, so it shouldn’t be surprising that I may also be choosy about the person I’d like to share my life with.
Around three years ago I decided I needed a break from the tireless dating game that I was finding exhausting and unfulfilling. At that time I needed to prioritize myself, come back to my body, figure out what I wanted—and it was the very best thing I could have done. When I went out with friends I no longer felt the automatic need to scan the room for suitable mates, making sure that I was standing in the most flattering position for approach, and instead could just focus on having a good time. I experimented with personal style that made me feel good in my skin, that I wasn’t just putting on for the intended approval of somebody else. The yeast infection I’d been battling for a year finally vanished. I got a dog. While watching those around me settle down, get engaged, and start having babies, I was in the very height of my single girl era.
I’ll concede that it could feel like I was lagging behind in one aspect of my life while focusing on others. I’d joke that the longer I went without a man, the lower the bar got—I’ll take anyone at this point! In reality I think it was the opposite: I’ve come this far alone, why settle for less than I deserve? This didn’t mean not going out with anyone who wasn’t Keanu Reeves (although that option is certainly still on the table...), but rather holding out for someone who genuinely enriches my life in the ways that I need.
Famous relationship therapist Esther Perel has this really great advice that changed the entire way I think about romantic connections. She says that if you’re dating around, you should first write a list of qualities that you specifically are looking for. Here’s the catch: these qualities should not be characteristics possessed by your ideal partner like “he must be 6’2, musician, and listen to shoe gaze” (it never works out, trust me). Instead these qualities should be traits that your ideal partner brings out in you. Do you want to feel confident, inspired, turned on, taken care of, giddy? I’ve been with guys that I had so much natural chemistry with—but that I never felt entirely myself around, like I was performing or wearing a mask. I’ve been with others that made me feel so comfortable and at ease—but left me chasing the ever elusive “spark”. I’ve been with people who seemed to possess everything I was looking for—but the visions for our future lives just didn’t align. You’re never going to find the total package, but prioritizing the attributes of a partner and relationship which are most important to you as an individual is a choice we all make, consciously or not.
The truth is, it can be really nice to have a designated someone to come home to, at the top of your text messages, likely regular guaranteed physical intimacy—it sounds nice bruv, I can’t lie! I’ve also watched people close to me stay in relationships past their expiry because it was simply the easier thing to do. Whether they were questioning their feelings, were secretly craving some kind of a change, or had naturally just grown in a different direction from their partner. Was that better than being alone?
I watched a clip of Drew Barrymore talking about being single, and she described the time as something to be treasured. A time to do everything exactly how you like it. To make what you want for dinner, to starfish in bed at night, to hang out with all of your very cool friends who love and miss you very much! One day you might well find that person you decide to share your life with; someone who hits all the marks (or at least 9/10), makes you feel all the feels, somebody who you will need to prioritize, and things will look different. It will likely be magical and difficult in completely new ways, that you will have the pleasure of untangling and building back up together.
I’m still a romantic, I do want to find my guy—wherever the hell he’s hiding out! This Valentine’s day though, I think all in all, I’m okay to be on my own.
